Walking barefoot on gravel

Dating after 50 sucks.
I mean, aren't these supposed to be the easy years? Payback for working our butts off raising kids and doing our corporate time? Aren't our husbands supposed to be taking us to Europe?
Nope. We are Single. Products of Failed Marriages. What. The. Hell.
I have been re-single for three years. I loved my ex. I mourned the loss of the life I had with him. Until I cleared my head of the noxious fumes that clouded my thought process and remembered he CHEATED with tramps, stole my inheritance out of our joint account (never ever share an account with a man, ladies), had a raging white hot temper and was mean as a baboon.
I mourned for a year, changed into my ass kicking boots and joined match dot com.
Gawd, it was tragic at first. I had no skillz. I did not know what I was looking for, therefore I found a lot I didn't want. But I also learned a lot about myself. I'm still learning. And you know what else? I'm changing into someone I like. I'm lowering my fists - opening my heart a little - dropping my armor. Life cannot be about protecting yourself from what might happen! Each and every opportunity we have is a conduit to learning. Every person who crosses our path can teach us something. And I need a lot of lessons, because I have proven that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I want to be better. Sweeter. Wiser. More productive. More aware. Less selfish. I also want financial security, a better bathtub, and a man who really really loves me.
I'll always be on the verge of broke. I have great creative skills, none of which seem to pay well. I am not a fast typist and have no college degree (close, but no cigar). What I do best doesn't pay squat. So I  am learning to live with LESS....not a bad thing. Amazing how easy it is to manage 1000 square feet after managing 5000. I do not miss mopping all those wood floors.
And I have found a sweet man. A lot of my writing will be about him, and me, and us. You know that definition of insanity? I broke the pattern and am seeing a relationship bloom from the most unlikely source. I can't read into the future, and don't want to. If life is going to get any harder please God don't show me til you prepare me! But one thing I do know: Never Give Up.
I had the most amazing farm with my ex. I've been a horse person since I was three. My daddy took me into a barn full of racehorses owned by a friend. Sometimes a window opens a little and lets the future in. Horses were my passion from that point on. When I left my marriage, I gave up a large part of my dream. Kind and loving friends helped me sew together a way to hold on to just enough. Gratefulness lives in me to the point of bursting sometimes. I saved the parts that mattered - the horses. My dogs. My hope.
I spent lots of time alone. I spent time with men who were just chew toys. I spent time getting to know who I am in order to know who I need. This takes practice, practice requires dating, and the easiest and safest way to meet men when you don't go to bars is online - eharmony, match, POF. It's like building your own Ken doll while in your pajamas with a bowl of ice cream.
So I meet this man on match.com. He lives just over the state line about an hour away. I like a photo of him in a blue dress shirt. He has a sweet face, one you can read. In it I saw vulnerability, kindness, passion, strength, honesty. He is six years older than I am. He writes messages that are real. There is no agenda. I want to met this man, but he is in Pinehurst for two weeks, so we get to know each other on the fast track, via phone.
Man casually mentions he lives on 70 acres in a "log cabin". My ears perk up. I like acreage. He is a professional. His marriage was finished three years ago too. He is smart. He is open and he is REAL. Not being able to see each other face to face liberated us in conversation. We got past a lot of the niceties and into the meat of who we are. We decided to meet when he got back, at his "farm". He gave me the address and told me to google map it.
And then I knew God was smiling. The map showed me not just a farm, but a horse farm. Manicured paddocks, a barn, wood fencing. All empty. Just waiting. Just wow.
Ladies, never give up. Your story is not over because some man was too stupid to realize you are his VBT (Very Best Thing). I am here to tell you the story of my recovery from a toxic marriage, and the often gravel-paved road I walk barefoot on.